


How Do Humans Purr (and Other Housecat Questions)

by speccygeekgrrl



Series: MST3K Alternate Universes [8]
Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Cats, Alternate Universe - Werecreatures, Alternate Universe - Witchcraft, Consent Issues, Do not steal a witch's boyfriend, F/M, Fluff without Plot, It's just a bad life choice to make, Kidnapping, Like a lot of alcohol, Rescue Missions, Synthia is a terrible influence and also a lush, date night with a cat, happy halloween here's a story about a witch and a black cat, if you want a consent warrior get an overprotective cat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-20
Packaged: 2019-01-11 01:36:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12312075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/speccygeekgrrl/pseuds/speccygeekgrrl
Summary: Kinga accidentally turns her familiar into a person. Twenty minutes later her boyfriend shows up with pizza. Yes, turning a cat into a person is weird, but... somehow it's still a pretty normal night?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I wanted to do something vaguely spoopy for Halloween? But this is not spoopy. This is sheer fluff. I stayed up too late to finish it. I'm not sure I'm done with it but the last thing I need now is another chaptered fic.
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> [This is Max.](https://twitter.com/speccygeekgrrl/status/914871602201923585)
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> tw for very brief mention of attempted rape (the mention of the consequences is not brief)

"Oh _fuck_." Cats being cats, and Max being a cat, he had decided to sprint across the room while Kinga was in the middle of a spell. Kinga's luck being what it was, it didn't kill him, but it did fuck some shit up. Namely, her tubby curly black-furred familiar had sprinted into her circle and an equally tubby naked man had fallen out of her circle. She sighed and grabbed the blanket he always sat on off the couch to cover him up. "How many times do I have to tell you not to run around like an idiot while I'm working?"

"Sorry, Kinga," he said meekly, looking up at her from the floor. Well, that answered a couple of her questions right there. She crossed her arms and looked down at him with her lips twisted to the side thoughtfully.

"Just... stay there while I try to figure this out," she said, going back to where she'd been kneeling outside the circle and looking at it closely. He'd knocked a few things over and she noted where they'd gone and where they should be.

"I didn't mean to mess it up," he said, sitting up and shivering. She rolled her eyes and tucked the blanket up around his shoulders. "I just saw a bug and I had to go for it."

"Mighty hunter," she said, exactly the same as she always said when he failed to catch anything he aimed at. He smiled and leaned into her touch and she pulled her hands away quickly. "Go sit on the couch, I'll be done with this in a minute." He did as he was told, sitting in his corner and pulling the blanket around himself, watching her with the same golden eyes that always watched her. She fussed around with her spell circle for a few more moments, then sighed and stood up and brushed her hands off on her jeans. "I have no fucking clue how this happened," she admitted, falling onto the couch next to him with a sigh.

"I'm sorry. I know you had plans to go out tonight."

"Oh, please, this is the perfect reason to blow them off. I was intending to spend the night on the couch with you anyways. This just gives me a better excuse to flake." He snuggled up to her side and she froze. "Uh..." He looked at her curiously when she pushed him away.

"What?"

"It's weird when you're a person," she said. "Especially a naked person."

"Yeah, well, it's weird not being a cat. And cold. Clothes would be nice."

"Let me see what I can do about it," she said, and as she rounded the corner she added, "might not be much." He sighed and reached up to rub a hand through his hair, then sat up straight when he realized it was the same texture as his fur. It felt nice on human fingers. He petted himself and looked around the room from a new perspective. He'd been Kinga's familiar for six years now, and honestly it was kind of surprising that he hadn't been transfigured before this. She was... accident prone. Okay, they were both accident prone. At least he had an excuse for it.

"Kinga?" She'd been gone a while. He usually followed her around the apartment and meowed when she wasn't in sight.

"What?" Same tone of voice she responded to the meows with. "Chill out, I'm right here."

"I know that..." He blinked at her when she came out of her room with a handful of clothes.

"So I don't have much that'll fit you... here's Jonah's hoodie I stole last month. And I guess this wrap skirt will have to do."

"Don't you like this skirt?" He knew very well that she liked this skirt, it was the one with the tasseled edge he freaked out over every time she wore. He sniffed at the sweatshirt and then shrugged and pulled it on. It smelled like Jonah, but Jonah was good people. The last guy Kinga had dated hadn't been so nice to either the witch or her cat, and it hadn’t ended well for him. Jonah had never tried to scare Max or shoo him away, and Kinga seemed to really like him. Plus he gave really good ear scratches.

"You can't chase the tassels if you're the one wearing it," she pointed out, and he blinked at her as she pulled him to his feet.

"Is that a dare?" She rolled her eyes and wrapped the skirt around his waist, tucking it in securely and looking him up and down.

"Not a dare, furbrain." She nudged him back onto the couch and he pulled the blanket back over himself, missing his fur in her drafty apartment. "Well... hm... I'm not sure I can figure this out tonight. Is there anything you want to do while you're a person?"

"Pizza," he said promptly. "You never give me pizza."

"Pizza is bad for cats."

"I'm not a cat right now. Please give me pizza."

"Fair enough," she said, and reached for her phone, then blinked at the messages cluttering the screen. "Oh."

"Oh?"

"Uh, Jonah's on his way over. This is the wrong time for a sweet gesture..." She tapped at her phone and then let it fall to her lap when a knock sounded at the door. "...oh." Max startled at the knock and pulled the blanket up to his chin, and she shot him a worried look as she stood up to answer the door. "Hi, sweetie," she said, and Jonah kissed the top of her head when he came in bearing a pizza box and a six pack of bottles.

"Hey. I know you've been busy all day and you have plans later but... uh..."

"What?"

"It's our three month anniversary and I wanted to have dinner with you," he said, flushing slightly. "So I got your favorite. Barbeque chicken, red onions, fresh mozzarella. Right?"

"Right!" She was surprised that he remembered. He handed her the pizza with a smile... and then his smile froze when he caught sight of Max.

"Uh... hello," he said, blinking. "I didn't realize you had company."

"I don't, he's not-- oh, jeez. You know how I'm a witch?"

"You may have mentioned it once or twice," he said dryly. Her lips quirked up for a second.

"Well, I had a magical mishap. That's Max." Jonah blinked again, then turned to look at Max harder. Max quailed slightly, pulling the blanket up higher until all they could see were wide golden eyes and a fluff of dark but greying curls.

"Oh," Jonah said. "I think I see it. Huh... okay. Hi, Max."

"Hi Jonah," Max said weakly.

"Oh, you can actually talk? Neat."

"Perks of being a familiar, I think," Max said, and Kinga snorted.

"Transfiguration is a hazard. Speech is a perk." She carried the pizza into the kitchen and Jonah followed her, looking remarkably sanguine about the whole thing.

"So that's really your cat?" He set the six pack on the table and pulled her into his arms, and she sighed and leaned into him.

"Yeah. He screwed up a spell I was doing and... here we are." She looked up at him and smiled. "But he was asking for pizza, so you brought exactly the right thing for the situation."

"I think the alcohol is the right thing for the situation," he said dryly. "It's that fall blend I was telling you about."

"Ooh." She pulled him down for a kiss, then sighed. "I'm not sure how I'm going to fix this," she admitted, and he squeezed her and released her.

"You'll figure it out," he said. "I wish I could help, but I'm strictly science."

"Oh, you'd be good at magic if you gave it a shot. You're good at everything you put your mind to."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I _really_ don't think so."

"Fffft. Men of science. So narrow minded," she teased. He stuck his tongue out at her.

"You're calling _me_ narrow minded? That's harsh, honey. I feel like I've been really open to suggestion since we got together."

"Mm, that is true though." She squeezed his butt with both hands and he shivered a little. Then a sound made her look around him to find Max in the doorway looking curious. Damn voyeur cat. She let go of Jonah and went to pull plates out of the cabinet. "If you want pizza, come and get it."

"Am I allowed?" Jonah turned to look at him and Max looked nervous. "I mean, if it's for your anniversary..."

"Don't worry about it," Jonah said. "I didn't realize someone would be having pizza for the first time or I would have brought something more traditional."

"Don't you dare say pepperoni," Kinga said. "There has not been a pepperoni pizza in this apartment since I moved in and there won't be one until after I leave." Jonah blinked at her and she pushed a plate into his hands, then handed one to Max. "This is what I get most of the time anyways. Six years of begging for pizza and this is almost always what he was begging for."

"Aren't onions bad for cats?" Jonah said as Kinga lifted the lid of the pizza box and breathed in the scent with a happy sigh. "I mean, I don't know how complete this transformation is..."

"You're asking me? It was an accident." She looked at Max, head tilted. "You wanna risk it or just pick the onions off?"

"I can live dangerously," he said, and she snorted.

"Your idea of living dangerously is singeing your whiskers on my candles and standing on the side of the tub when I'm in the bath," she said. "Not risking death."

"You don't know what I do when you're not home."

"I'm pretty confident in saying that most of the time I'm not home you spend sleeping in the sun or on my pillow."

"...you're not wrong," he said. She rolled her eyes and picked an onion off her slice, holding it in front of his mouth.

"Taste it." He opened his mouth obediently and took an instinctive nip at her fingers when she popped it in. "Brat!" She flicked his nose and he blinked. Next to her, Jonah arched his brows, not sure what to make of this. He'd seen the same thing happen when Kinga gave Max treats before, but it was _weird_ now.

"Couldn't help myself," Max mumbled, and made a face as he chewed the onion. "I don't know if it's _dangerous_ but I don't like it much."

"Then you can pick them off. And now you know." She popped the top off a cider bottle and took a sip, then held it out to Max. "Try this. You always lick the plate when I have apple pie, this tastes just like it." He tasted it and his eyes widened.

"Wow, that's really good. Can I have this?" Kinga glanced at Jonah, who shrugged.

"If you want to get drunk with your cat, don't let me stop you."

"Well, this is the first time he can drink with me," she pointed out. "It would be cruel to deprive him of an interesting experience."

"You don't have to convince me," Jonah said with a laugh. "I wouldn't dream of trying to tell you what you can or can't do."

"I don't want to get drunk," Max said, a little offended. "It couldn't be as good as catnip. But I can have one drink, can't I?"

"Sure you can," she said. "Why don't you take it out to the living room? We'll be out in a sec." She waited for Max to leave the room before she looked up at Jonah with a wry smile. "You came on a very weird night."

"Well, it is a full moon," he pointed out. "And you did warn me those might get weird around you."

"Not for this reason," she said, but she frowned slightly. "Is the moon up already?"

"Yeah, it was over the horizon when I was driving here... is that important?"

"Maybe." She shook her head and reached for another bottle to open, then picked up her pizza plate and smiled at him. "Nothing I can do about it until after we eat, though. C'mon." They got settled on the couch, Kinga in the middle, Jonah casting curious looks at the other end of the couch.

"It was mean of you to withhold pizza for so long," Max told Kinga, and she rolled her eyes.

"Oh please, like I need another reason for the vet to yell at me about your weight? You're lucky you're not on a diet."

"Rude!" He looked past her to Jonah. "That's rude, right?"

"Whoa, I'm not getting into this catfight,"Jonah said, sitting back into the corner of the couch. "...but yeah, rude."

"Don't _side with him_ ," Kinga said, elbowing Jonah in the ribs. "What kind of conspiracy is this? What happened to loyalty?"

"Don't talk to me about loyalty with pizza on the line," Max said, and Jonah had to stifle a laugh behind his cider. "I think it's familiar abuse if you deny me pizza after this."

"You have a lot of nerve, furball."

"You have no idea the shit I talk when all you hear is meowing," Max said. "If you think this is nerve."

"He's as sassy as you are," Jonah said, and Kinga huffed. "Something about pets resembling their owners...?"

"Ugh," she said, shaking her head and going back to her pizza. Max gave Jonah a slow blink and a smile before getting up for a second slice.

"I think I like him," Jonah said. "I sort of thought he hated me from how he acted whenever I was over before."

"No, he's let you pet him. If he hated you, you'd know for sure. Either you'd never see him or he'd have taken a swipe at you by now."

"I can hear you, you know," Max said from the kitchen, and he stood in the doorway for a moment on his way back to the couch to give Jonah a serious look. "I don't hate you. You're a huge improvement on the last guy she dated. I just hate being locked out of the bedroom whenever you come over."

"Your cat's a voyeur," Jonah said, and Max scoffed.

"More like I object to having to sleep on the couch when I'm used to a place on the bed. Human mating isn't that interesting."

"My cat's a _liar_ ," Kinga said. "You know full well that I lock you out because you think feet at the end of the bed are toys and you drew blood twice before I started kicking you out when I had a lover over." Max rolled his eyes and sat down next to her again.

"It wasn't _your_ blood."

"That doesn't make it acceptable!"

"She was cheating on you."

"That's not why you did it though."

"How do you know? You have no idea how many ways I protect you." She blinked at him and he gave her a slow blink and a sigh. "Humans. Honestly. I do earn my keep here, whether you know it or not."

"How's that?" Jonah asked. "I'm genuinely curious. When Kinga said you were her familiar I figured that was a witch joke. Cause... no offense or anything... but you seemed like a pretty standard fat house cat."

"Standard," Max repeated in a voice of pure offence. " _Standard_. I'll have you know that I'm a purebred Selkirk Rex. I could be a show cat if I didn't think that was incredibly boring."

"You're a purebred? Really? I didn't know," Kinga said, and Max shook his head and sighed again. "I mean, come on, I found you sitting on my car one morning, it's not like you came with pedigree papers."

"I was a runaway," Max said. "I was the last of my litter to be sold and I bolted before they could hand me over. I could feel that I had a purpose more important than being shown off. And it got me where I needed to be."

"That's inspirational," Jonah said. "That the two of you found each other."

"What? Are you kidding? I found her. I just had to put myself where she'd see me."

"Is that... normal for a familiar?" Jonah asked. Max gave him a skeptical look.

"How should I know? I haven't met any others. I've lead a pretty solitary life since she took me in." He shrugged. "Cats tend to have a more clear sense of destiny. Or at least that's what my mother told us."

"You found me? Specifically me?" Kinga sounded surprised. Max leaned into her for a moment, rubbing his cheek against hers.

"Of course you specifically. You're my witch. We were meant to be together." Another thing he did all the time as a cat that was weird as a person, but Kinga was pleased anyways, leaning back into him and kissing his cheek. Jonah finished off his cider and stood up.

"I think I need another drink if I have to watch my girlfriend get stolen by her cat."

"Technically, you're the one who steals her from me," Max said. "I was here first." Jonah just shook his head and went into the kitchen, and Max and Kinga shared a look before she started to giggle. "Does he feel threatened by me? That's hilarious."

"I don't think threatened is the word," she said. "I think it's more--" Her phone started ringing, and she sat up straight. "Oh fuck, I forgot to text Synthia and cancel our plans!" She made a face and answered her phone. "Hi... yeah, I'm sorry, I put my phone down when-- no, Jonah surprised me with dinner and we-- yeah, he is sweet, isn't he?" Jonah came back in with a curious look, and she made a face at him. "Yeah, I thought we'd stay in and-- you know how it is, right? Oh stop, just because you've been with Terry forever doesn't mean you forgot how you started, does it?" She laughed and shook her head. "Text me tomorrow, I promise we'll reschedule, okay? Yes, I _promise_. No, I'm not telling him that! Good night, Synthia.... good _night!_ " She dropped her phone on the table and dropped her head against the back of the couch.

"You think I'm sweet?" Jonah asked, clearly delighted. She pursed her lips at him.

"Well, aren't you?"

"You are," Max agreed, and Jonah blinked at him.

"Really?"

"Well, yeah. You're a good person. I trust you with Kinga."

"Thank you," Jonah said. "That means a lot to me."

"I'm going to change my opinion if I have to sleep on the couch tonight though."

"I guess that means I’m going home at some point."

"You were planning on doing that already, weren't you? Since you knew I had plans?" she asked.

"Yeah, but you can't blame a guy for getting his hopes up."

"Yes she can," Max said. "But you weren't here for the last guy to know why." Jonah blinked and gave Kinga a curious look, and she smacked Max's chest with the back of her hand.

"That's enough out of you."

"Did something happen?" Jonah asked. She rolled her eyes.

"I took care of it."

"Definitively," Max added with something very close to a giggle, and she smacked him again. "Ow!"

"Did you turn him into some sort of reptile?"

"Amphibian," Max said. "Reptiles aren't slimy. This guy was slimy."

"Was?"

"Don't worry about it," Kinga said pointedly. Jonah's eyes widened.

"You realize that makes me do the opposite of not worry about it, right? Did you... did you murder your ex?"

"Absolutely not," she said. "Max did." Jonah turned his goggle-eyed look on the transformed cat, who looked... pretty proud of himself.

"Frogs aren't as hard to catch as mice," he said modestly. "I could have done it painlessly, except he kicked me a couple of times so I really enjoyed not doing it that way."

"I... uh... this isn't how you deal with all your exes, is it?"

"Only the one who tried to rape me," she said. "I think you're safe."

"That-- okay. Yeah. That's understandable now," Jonah said, relaxing a little. "I'm not that type of person."

"I know you aren't," she said, leaning up to kiss his cheek. "I didn't think I needed to threaten you to make you behave."

"But this was the last guy you dated?"

"It ended a year and a half ago," she said.

" _He_ ended," Max amended, and she elbowed him. "Stop that!"

"Stop talking so much, chatterbox."

"Meow," Max said sarcastically, giving her an unimpressed look. "I can finally speak so you can understand me and you tell me to stop talking?"

"Stop talking about murder, at least!"

"There has to be something you wished you could tell her before now," Jonah said, trying valiantly to change the subject. "I mean, you've been together for six years..."

"Now that you mention it," Max said, sitting up a little. "If you could wake me up before you start vacuuming, that would save me a weekly heart attack. Please stop buying the jingly mice, I hide them so you stop trying to play with me with them. If you're going to leave the TV on when you go out, for the love of catnip, don't leave it on daytime talk shows, I'm a cat and I still know how mindless that junk is. I’d prefer it if you left the radio on than the TV." Jonah hid a laugh behind one hand at the look Kinga gave Max.

"Anything else, your royal fluffiness?"

"I deserve catnip much more often than you give it to me. Oh, and that emerald earring you lost is under your bed like right next to the bedside table."

“Really? _Good_ kitty.” She reached up to pet his curls and he gave her an adoring look that quickly became distressed. “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t purr,” he said, one hand coming up to his throat. “I-- what do people do instead of purring?” Kinga blinked, then shot a questioning look at Jonah, whose eyes widened.

“Uh… laugh?” He shrugged. “I don’t think there is a thing that people do…”

“Pet him,” Max said to Kinga. “I want to see what he does.”

“What?” Jonah laughed. “I’m pretty sure I won’t react the way you would.”

“Oh, it won’t hurt anything,” Kinga said, and reached up to run her fingers through Jonah’s hair. When she scratched her nails against his scalp gently, his eyes slid shut and he let out a contented sigh. 

“So that’s a people purr,” Max said thoughtfully. “Weird. I guess it makes sense, you both make that sound with each other a lot.” Jonah opened his eyes, and Max smiled at him. “You make her purr, that’s a good sign.” He reached up to pet Kinga’s hair and she turned an amused look on him.

“The cat pets back?”

“You make me purr all the time, it’s only fair for me to do it back.” She conceded the point with a tilt of her head, sighing happily a moment later. He looked absolutely delighted, cuddling up to her and resting his head on her shoulder. She leaned into Jonah and put her head on his shoulder, and he kissed her hair. All three of them sighed at once, and then Max giggled. “Nice.”

“It is nice,” Kinga said. “I mean, this is exactly what we do on nights we spend in anyways.”

“That’s true,” Jonah said. “Except usually we watch a movie. Hey Max, do you have a favorite movie?”

“Of course I do,” Max said. “The Life of Pi.”

“Because of the tiger?” Kinga asked. Max rolled his eyes.

“You’re asking a housecat if-- yes, because of the tiger! Come on.” Jonah stifled a laugh and reached for the remote.

“I think it’s on Netflix,” he said. He was right, and got the movie set up in a minute. 

Over the course of the movie, they melted into a cuddle puddle on the couch, until Kinga was half in Jonah’s lap and Max was more than half in hers, all of them letting out intermittent ‘people purrs’ and settling into a more comfortable slouch against each other. By the time the credits rolled, Max was snoring gently and mumbling in his sleep. Kinga looked up at Jonah and gave him a sleepy smile.

“You’re a good one,” she said, reaching up to touch his scruffy cheek. “You didn’t freak out about the witchy stuff and you were really nice to Max. I like you.”

“I’d hope you like me after three months of dating,” he said dryly. “What are you going to do about him?”

“Hell if I know,” she said. “Figure it out in the morning. Definitely can’t figure it out now.”

“That’s fair,” he said. “I can take him clothes shopping if he’s stuck like this. Because I would like my hoodie back, I thought I lost it.”

“You left it here,” she said. “That means it’s mine now.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“Are you sure?”

“Pretty sure.”

“I think you’re wrong.”

“Oh, am I?”

“It’s definitely my hoodie now.”

“I think it’s Max’s hoodie now,” Jonah said, and Max shifted slightly and let out a tiny “mew”, very much asleep. Kinga’s eyes widened and she bit the side of her hand to keep from bursting out into laughter. Jonah bit his lip for the same reason, eyes bright behind his glasses, and leaned down to kiss her. “If I can’t stay, then I should go…”

“I don’t want you to go,” she said, wrapping her hand in the front of his shirt. “Why can’t you stay?”

“Uh, because there’s no way we’re fitting one very tall person and one very round person in your bed with you also in it?”

“It’ll work,” she insisted. He gave her a skeptical look, and she offered him a smirk. “We’ll just have to be very close.”

“You’re a crazy person.”

“You don’t actually want to leave.”

“They can both be true.”

“Trust me,” she said. “I’m a crazy person but I’m a correct crazy person.”

“If you say so.”

“He won’t even wake up all the way when we move, he won’t care.”

“How do you know what he’ll do as a person?”

“Because so far he’s acted exactly the same.” Jonah thought about it for a second and then shrugged.

“Yeah, he has.”

“Here, watch this…” She scratched gently through Max’s curls. “Max, time for bed.” Golden eyes barely slitted open. “C’mon, we’re going to bed.” She nudged him and he yawned and stumbled into the bedroom. By the time they followed him in he was sprawled on the left side of the bed and snoring again. 

“Does he always snore?”

“Oh yeah. And he meows in his sleep sometimes. But you snore too.”

“Can you get any sleep between two snorers?”

“Don’t you worry about me, I’ll be fine,” she said, reaching for a bottle on the bedside and taking a few drops of something that smelled like a pleasant dream. 

“Sleeping potion?” he asked with a laugh in his voice.

“Witch,” she said, with a strong hint of _duh_ , and got into bed, nudging Max onto his side and wrapping herself around him from behind. “Is that enough space for you?” Jonah doubted it right up until it turned out to be just enough space when he spooned up behind her, and he pressed a kiss to her hair.

“Good night, Kinga… Good night, Max.” The tiny “mew” he got in response meant he drifted off to sleep with a smile. Kinga thought for a second about how weird it was to be caught between them, but it really didn’t feel that weird a second later. It felt… safe. Safe meant she could sleep easy.

An insistent meow sounded right into Kinga’s ear. Her eyes shot open to find her cat back in his own shape, wide golden eyes and a cloud of black curly fur, and he bumped his forehead against her cheek. “Yeah… okay. Okay.” This was his usual dawn routine. She got her arms around him and hugged him to her chest, burying her nose in his fur. “Man, you would not believe the dream I had…”

“Mm… try me,” a sleepy voice came from behind her, and she turned to find Jonah blinking at her. 

“Did last night happen?”

“Last night? We had pizza and watched a movie with Max.” Another insistent meow, and Jonah looked down at the cat in her arms. “Oh. I guess it fixed itself?”

“That would be nice,” she said. Max meowed again, and she squeezed him a little. “Okay, yes, time to feed the cat. Goddess, I wish you could wake me up with coffee. C’mon.” Max lead the way down the hall and she cast a look back at Jonah. “Be right back.”

Kinga didn’t believe that things were easy. Things were never easy without a catch. She didn’t have to wait long to discover the catch with this. That night she got home from drinks with Synthia to find Max in person shape again, wrapped in blankets and listening to the radio. He smiled when she came in. 

“Welcome back. It was moonrise,” he said. “I could see it through the bedroom window. I think I’m a wereperson.”

“You… okay,” she said, nodding. “You get to go clothes shopping with Jonah!”

“That should be interesting,” Max said dryly. “Considering I haven’t been out of this apartment since we moved in here except to see the vet…”

“Maybe we’ll do it on Amazon.” She pulled out her phone and tapped a text to Jonah. _hey honey? you’ll never guess what happened..._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max wants to meet people. It just so happens that Kinga's best friend... is a total lush and gets Kinga wasted during game night. And when Kinga wants something, she is very insistent upon getting it, even (especially?) when she's told no.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like... can anyone explain where all of this came from in less than 48 hours? what the hell? WHY CAN'T I BE THIS PRODUCTIVE WITH MY SERIES?

Honestly, it wasn't hard to get used to having a roommate instead of a pet three nights a month. Max was equally good-natured regardless of what shape he was in, and he warmed up to Jonah drastically after that first night, until it wasn't much of a surprise to find the cat in Jonah's lap when Kinga's wasn't available. They stopped locking him out of the bedroom at night when he promised not to go after anyone's feet, and soon it was normal for them to fall asleep to the sound of a loud and rumbly purr most nights.

After a couple of full moons, each one bringing three nights of humanity for the housecat, Max started getting a little restless. "Not that this isn't fun, but I think I'd like to leave the apartment once in a while," he said not long after moonrise. "Maybe meet people?"

"Did you forget what happened the last time you left the apartment?" Kinga asked. Max winced. Jonah had brought him to buy clothes but Max freaked out inside Target and refused to come out of the changing room for half an hour. At least they'd come home with a few things Max had liked. He was particularly fond of the cat-print pajama pants.

"Target is a limnal space full of bad energy," Max said. "It's not my fault I reacted like that."

"That's actually fair," Jonah said, and Kinga arched a brow at him. "What? I don't need to be a witch to know that he's right about Target."

"I could invite people over," she said. "Maybe Synthia, I could invite her and Terry for..."

"Board games," Jonah chipped in. "We could play games. I'm pretty sure I have games that Max can play."

"What couldn't he play?"

"Anything with words," Max said. "I can handle small numbers but I can't read."

"No Cards Against Humanity then," she said, disappointed, and Max shook his head.

"That game is terrible anyways."

"I've got a couple of ideas," Jonah said. "And now I'm desperately curious to see how a cat plays Dixit."

It turned out that a cat was actually very good at Dixit. The bright, bizarre art appealed to Max, and he was great at getting points from other people's turns, sneaking in convincing cards to distract from the correct ones. Only Kinga and Jonah noticed how often his cards had cats in them. They introduced Max to Synthia and Terry as Kinga's cousin, which had been accepted almost without remark.

"He must be your favorite cousin if you named your cat after him," Synthia said, and Kinga shrugged slightly.

"We have history," she said, and Synthia's brows arched.

"Oh yeah? Come into the kitchen, let me show you this drink I've been crazy about since we got home from Faire." She was hoping to hear some dirt, from the look on her face, but Kinga was determined to stay as close to the truth as she could-- which was harder than she thought it would be after Synthia poured a healthy splash of honey wine into a cider and handed it to her. "Here, have a beesting."

It tasted deceptively sweet, and every time she reached the bottom of a bottle Synthia would present her with another one. There was a very good reason that they usually went for drinks out somewhere: Synthia was an absolutely terrible influence and something of a lush when given free rein, and Kinga needed the excuse of having to drive home to prevent Synthia trying to get her totally wasted on a Wednesday night. But it was Friday and she was home and damn, these beestings were really good. The game passed in a bit of a blur for her.

"Are you okay?" Max asked when Kinga fumbled moving her little bunny token on the score card toward the end of the game. "You seem a bit..."

"A lot," Jonah amended.

"A lot drunk."

"M'fine," she said, very carefully putting her token down on the wrong space. "Not like I'm goin' anywhere." Jonah reached out to move it back a spot and she stuck her tongue out at him.

"Let the woman live," Synthia said, lifting her own bottle in salute. "Oh man, Kinga, remember the last time you drank this much?"

"No," Kinga said, leaning into Jonah. He put his arm around her and she snuggled up to him. "When was that?"

"My birthday three years ago, remember you brought that adorable naive dope you dated for like a month, what was his name..."

"Mike?" Kinga's nose wrinkled. "Sweet guy. Not my type though."

"Nah, you like 'em nerdy," Synthia said with a grin. Jonah blinked and pushed his glasses up his nose a little self-consciously. "You really don't remember killing it on the karaoke machine? No one belts out Killer Queen like you."

"You're makin' this up."

"God's honest truth. He had to carry you to his car at the end of the night."

"Good thing she's tiny," Jonah said, and Kinga poked him in the ribs.

"M'not tiny. You're huge."

"They're both true," Max said. He remembered Mike bringing her home that night. He also remembered sinking his claws into Mike's calf when he set her down on the bed and basically harrying the guy until he left. No one was going to mess with his witch as long as he had anything to say about it, even if he couldn't actually say anything then. Hisses and claws were eloquent enough to get his point across. "But maybe you've had enough," he added, patting Kinga's leg.

"Maybe you haven't had enough," she shot back. He rolled his eyes and stole her half-full bottle from the table in front of her.

"Good solution," Jonah said. Terry poked Synthia's arm.

"You're absolutely shameless in being a horrible influence," he said. Synthia grinned.

"Honey, you knew that from day one."

"And yet my damn fool ass is still right here," he said dryly. "Trying to mitigate your debauchery."

"Every lush needs a reliable counterbalance," she said, and kissed his cheek. "And you're very reliable."

"One of us has to be." Terry shot a sympathetic smile at Jonah. "How are you at mitigating madness?"

"Can't be doing that bad if she's letting me stick around," Jonah said. "My life has definitely got more interesting since she came into it."

"Sugar, you ain't seen nothin' yet," Kinga declared, and Max stifled a laugh at the look on Jonah's face-- a combination of fondness and trepidation.

"I don't know, he's seen some crazy shit already," Max said, still trying not to laugh. "Weird things tend to happen around you."

"You would know," she said. Synthia leaned forward, grinning.

"You're her cousin, right? You have to have some stories about when she was younger. Give us some dirt!"

"No way," Max said, sitting back on the couch and shaking his head. "Anything I could say, she could say worse."

"Oooh," Synthia said. "Are you crazy too? C'mon, _one_ of you has to have a story..."

"Max is an upstanding citizen," Kinga declared. "'Cept for that one time he killed a guy." Synthia's eyes flew open and she looked Max over again.

"This guy? No way. No offense or anything."

"My _cousin_ likes to embellish stories," Max said, glaring at Kinga. "I'm harmless. Really."

"Harmless," Kinga scoffed. "You're 'bout as harmless as I am."

"Girl, you're not harmless at all," Synthia said. "Remember that time you hexed my ex and he crashed his car the next day?"

"He shouldn't've called you fat," Kinga said. "Especially not in that many different ways."

"Participating in well-deserved retribution doesn't make us not harmless," Max said, and Jonah made a face.

"Ehh... doing harm with a good reason is still doing harm. Not that I'm telling either of you you were wrong, just you're not harmless."

"More power to them, I say," Synthia said, lifting her drink in salute. "Put the motherfuckers in the ground. No quarter for those who offend." Terry's eyes widened.

"That's awfully bloodthirsty of you," he said, and Synthia smirked at him.

"Don't offend, then."

"God, you're terrifying sometimes."

"Only sometimes?"

"More often than not."

"Thanks, sweetie," she said, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "You know just what to say to make a girl feel special."

"Keep him," Kinga said. "He's good for you."

"Whoa, best friend approval," Terry said, brows shooting up. "Are you just saying that because you're wasted?"

"Nah. S'truth."

"Thanks, then." Kinga got to her feet, wobbled slightly, and patted Terry's shoulder on her way past him down the hall. Max craned his head to watch her unsteady progress until she reached the bathroom, then sat back and sipped the stolen drink.

"You _are_ a bad influence though," Jonah said, and Synthia laughed.

"Boy, you have no idea. The stories I could tell..."

"Oh really?" Jonah sat forward slightly, very alert. "Like what?"

"Mm, what could I tell you that she wouldn't murder me for?" Synthia put a finger to her lips, looking up in thought. "Ooooh I know just the thing. So it was the last day of classes our senior year of college and she--" A crash and a clatter sounded from the bathroom, followed barely a beat later by a dismayed yelp.

"Pause," Jonah said, hopping up and darting to the rescue. Kinga was on the bathroom floor, along with everything that had previously been in her makeup box on the counter. "What happened?"

"Nothing," she lied, lifting her hands up to him. "Lil' mishap. No big deal. Max does this once a week." He pulled her up to her feet and into his arms. "Maybe I'm a lil' woozy," she admitted, leaning into his chest and sighing. "You're tall... when'd you get so tall?"

"Uh... fifteen years ago or so," he said. "When'd you get so short?"

"Always," she said mournfully. "Always an' forever." He huffed a laugh and kissed her softly.

"Well, Ms. Smol, you have a Tol, so don't worry about it." She gave him a sulky look. "Aw, don't look at me like that. What's wrong?"

"Nothin's wrong. S'all good. You're good." She patted his chest and blinked up at him. "Time is it? Like midnight?"

"Not even," he said after a glance at his watch. "Why, are you tapping out?"

"Uh-huh," she said. "Tap with me." He shook his head and picked her up.

"I'm putting you to bed," he said, and she made a whiny sound in his ear as he carried her across the hall and into her bedroom. "Do you feel okay?" he asked, easing her down onto the bed.

"M'fine," she mumbled, catching her hand in his shirt and pulling him down. "C'mere. Touch me." He cupped her cheek in one hand and kissed her, and she pulled a little harder, until he had to catch himself with a hand on the bed.

"Hey, slow down... you had a lot to drink tonight, you know."

"Mmhm. So? I want you." She pouted at him, and he shook his head.

"I have to see them out. And I'm not going to do anything tonight you might regret tomorrow."

"Regret nothin'. Jonah..." He kissed her forehead and pried her hand off his shirt.

"I'll be back in a minute," he said, and turned to find Max in the doorway, golden eyes luminous in the dim light.

"What are you doing to her?" There was something dangerous in Max's voice. Jonah lifted both hands in a show of innocence.

"Putting her to bed. That's all."

"Noooo," Kinga sighed, reaching for him without sitting up. "Come back."

"Stay with her," Jonah said, and Max nodded.

"That's what I'm here for." Jonah went to get Kinga's friends to leave, and Max settled on the bed next to Kinga, one hand stroking her hair gently. "You don't usually get this drunk."

"Synth mixes strong drinks," she said, rolling half onto him and making a nuisance of herself until he put his arms around her. "I jus' wanna cuddle..."

"Liar," he said, but he rubbed one hand up and down her back until she sighed happily and rested her head on his chest. "I just want you to be happy, you know."

"Mm... I am. M'happy. S'good." He kept petting her and she kept letting out people purrs, softer and sleepier as the minutes ticked on. Her hand settled on his hip and then started to sneak inward until he caught her wrist.

"Kinga. No."

"No?"

"No. You're drunk and I'm not Jonah. Or people, for that matter."

"You're people."

"My first two points stand and that's an argument we'll have some other time." He relocated her hand back to where it started, and she grumbled. "I told you you were a liar. Just want to cuddle, my fluffy tail."

"No one wants me tonight," she said sadly, and he huffed and tugged a lock of her hair.

"Not when you're too drunk to say yes. But you'll get so much cuddling. You're always good to cuddle." He looked up when the door opened, but the rest of the apartment was dark behind Jonah when he came in. "Look, he's back. Double cuddle time."

"Synthia sends her apologies for how much booze she put in those beestings," Jonah said, shrugging out of his button-up shirt and leaving his pants in a pile on the floor, abandoning his glasses on the bedside table before he spooned up behind Kinga and kissed the back of her neck. "Feeling okay still?"

"Feeling unsatisfied," she shot back, and both the boyfriend and the cat sighed.

"I'm not going to take advantage of you," Jonah said. "Mostly because that's not the kind of person I am but also because I think Max might kill me if I tried anything."

"I wouldn't kill you," Max told him. "But I would fuck you up pretty good."

"How is it taking advantage when I'm asking for it?"

"Sweetheart... given what happened to the last guy who tried something sketchy with you, I'm always going to err on the side of sober consent," Jonah said, wrapping an arm around her waist. "If you still want me in the morning, I will be more than happy to do whatever you'd like me to do with you. But I think you're going to wake up with a hangover, so that's unlikely."

"Mm... no, no hangover. I never get hangovers."

"Aren't you blessed."

"She's lying," Max said. "She does too. She just has a very effective treatment for them."

"Shh," she said, covering Max's mouth with one hand. "It's magic. Don't spoil it." He licked her hand and she wiped it on his cheek.

"You're impossible," he sighed, and she let out another people purr and ran her nails through his hair fondly. "Such a brat, I swear."

"She is, isn't she?" Jonah agreed, and she turned over to glare at him.

"You're withholding affection and you're calling me a brat?"

"That's so not what I'm doing. I would never withhold affection from you. I am very affectionate toward you," he said, and he kissed her to prove it, the sort of sweet lingering kiss they shared every time they cuddled. "I never want you to feel deprived of love," he added softly, and she sighed.

"Why, do you love me?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Mmm... prove it." She relocated his hand to her breast and he sighed and moved it back to her waist.

"This is a trap," Max said, and Jonah sighed again.

"You think?"

"You both suck," she said. "What does a girl have to do to get laid around here?"

"Sober up," Jonah said dryly. "Thought I was making that pretty clear."

"Ugh!"

"Also probably... not have me in the bed?" Max added. "Just a thought. Since you object enough when I take up much less space."

"Not a dealbreaker," she said, and Max huffed and hooked his chin over her shoulder.

"You're just proving how drunk you are, you know." He slow blinked at Jonah. "Be strong, big guy."

"Would a massage make up for the lack of sex? I don't want you to be unhappy."

"Worth a shot," she said, shrugging Max off so she could wrestle her shirt off and fling it off the bed. "As long as you're touching me."

"I never objected to touching you." She rolled onto her stomach and Jonah smoothed one hand down the line of her spine. "I'm all in favor of touching you, believe me."

"Uh-huh. Just not where I want you to touch me." Jonah shot a look at Max, who shrugged and rolled over so he was lying next to her the same way.

"She gets like this when she drinks," he said. "But usually she comes home alone."

"Oh?" Jonah's hands were big and Kinga was petite, and she sighed when he pressed his thumbs under her shoulder blades. "How does that go?"

"She usually ends up swearing about batteries," Max said. "The buzzing annoys me, I don't stay in the room. You'd probably like it though." Jonah bit his lip at the thought of Kinga taking care of her own needs. She sighed heavily and poked Max with one finger.

"The voyeur cat who's scared of vibrators."

"I'm not scared of them! They're annoying!"

"Uh-huh."

"Again, human sexuality is not as interesting as you guys make it out to be."

"I wonder if your opinion would be different if you weren't fixed," she said, and he rolled his eyes.

"Probably not? I don't know, the whole cross-species thing seems... sordid." He looked up at Jonah. "A little help, please?"

"Stop sexualizing your cat, sweetie," Jonah said, rubbing Kinga's shoulders firmly. "I think you're weirding him out."

"Prude."

"What do you want from me?!" Max sounded almost frantic. "You're not going to... to taunt me into doing something everyone in this room knows shouldn't happen." He buried his head in his folded arms and sighed heavily. When she tapped his arm, he gave her a sideways glare.

"I'm sorry," she said. "M'just teasing you. I'll be nice."

"Will you?"

"Mmhm. Promise." He lifted his head and gave her a suspicious look, and she reached out to scratch the nape of his neck. "C'mon. I swear." He held out for a few seconds and then melted with a people purr.

"Fine. I believe you."

"You don't have to sexualize your cat when you have a decent looking boyfriend, anyways," Jonah said. She reached back and caught one of his hands.

"Decent nothin'. You're a hottie. Certified."

"Flattery will get you many places, but into my pants tonight is not one of them." She whined and let go of his hand, and he leaned down to kiss her shoulder. "Show this kind of ardor when you're not drunk and I will gladly cater to your every whim."

"Oh really?"

"Kinga, honestly, all you ever have to do is tell me what you want," he said.

"Except now."

"Except when you're drunk, yes."

"I'm not asking for anything I wouldn't want sober."

"I feel like this is a test," Jonah said. "And if I fail it, I'm going to be mauled by a cat."

"Trust your feelings," Max said. "But hey, if you pass the test I promise to clear out as soon as I'm in my fur again."

"Conspiracy," Kinga said. "Blatant conspiracy right behind my back."

"Yes. You're absolutely right. Your furbrained familiar is actually the mastermind at the center of a web of conspiracy to cock-block you until your blood alcohol level drops. Well done figuring that out." Max couldn't have sounded more sarcastic if he tried. "If you can do things I don't like for my own good, I can do things you don't like for your own good too."

"I hate it when people do things for my own good," she sighed, and he patted her shoulder.

"Look at it this way, you're getting what you want a little later than you want it. Patience is a virtue," Jonah said, and Max snorted.

"Wrong tack to take with her," he said. "Patience is a curse word to her. Look at it _this_ way, at least 'for your own good' doesn't involve having medication forced down your throat."

"If you'd just listen to me and take it, I wouldn't have to do it that way," she muttered.

"Uh, I'm a cat? Cats don't listen."

"You're a familiar. Familiars do."

"Cat is the overriding function of my existence."

"Except for three nights a month," Jonah chimed in, and Max shifted onto his side to look up at Jonah with a frown.

"I'm still a cat even if I look like a person."

"You're people even when you're a cat," Kinga said, and he turned the frown on her.

"I'm not people."

"Sure you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Yeah you are."

"No, I'm not."

"What's your definition of people?" Jonah asked, to prevent this from going on ad nauseum.

"He's an individual with clear preferences and a personality and a sense of self," she said. Max sighed.

"People means human beings," he said.

"I've always included pets as people," she shot back. "You're family."

"In that case, you _really_ shouldn't be sexualizing me."

"Point to the cat," Jonah said, and Kinga made a frustrated sound and dropped her head onto the bed. “Oh, come here, you.” He stopped rubbing her back and settled down next to her, collecting her into his arms. “You want one more reason I’m not giving you what you want?”

“Might as well.”

“I’d like you to clearly remember everything I do to you,” he said into her ear. “Cause Synthia said you forgot what happened last time you were this drunk. And I aim to make every experience memorable.” She shivered at the promise in his voice and turned to look at him.

“Okay,” she said.

“Okay? Really?”

“Yeah. Really. I wanna remember what you do, too.” Max flashed a thumbs-up behind her and Jonah smiled.

“Good. Glad we’re on the same page now. One more thing?”

“Mm?”

“The faster you go to sleep, the faster you’ll wake up in the morning.” She rolled her eyes but settled her head on the pillow. Max cuddled up to her back and she sighed, surrounded by love.

“Hey Jonah?”

“Yeah Max?”

“You passed. Good job.” 

“I’m just acting according to my nature.”

“Yeah, well… you’re a good man. I’m glad Kinga found you.”

“So am I, buddy, so am I.” Both humans fell asleep fairly quickly. Max stayed awake, golden eyes fixed on his witch and her boyfriend, not mistrusting Jonah but wondering what that sort of love was like. He hadn’t so much as seen another cat since Kinga took him in. Cats didn’t love like people loved, anyways, and he’d been fixed as soon as he was old enough for it, additionally anyways. 

That didn’t mean he couldn’t wonder, though.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Jonah stops answering his phone, there _could_ be a good reason for it... or he could be in mortal peril. Kinga's not about to sit around waiting for a text back when she has a bad feeling about this. Armed with her wand and her trusty familiar, she sets out to retrieve her boyfriend, wherever he may be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm done with this story now (except for a smutty bit I will post separately because I don't want to change the rating on this). It's been a lot of fun, but I need to stop with the spoopy and get in gear for NaNoWriMo now. I hope you all will enjoy this chapter!

It wasn't like Kinga _demanded_ that Jonah text her every day, that was just sort of how it happened. He was the king of the sweet good morning text, and she wasn't sure if he took a picture of every single cat he saw but he sure sent her a lot of random street cat encounter snaps. So when an entire day went by with not a single word from him, she was worried. When he didn't pick up when she called after she got out of work, she was _really_ worried. And when he didn't show up for their planned date night, she got frantic.

"He _never_ does this," she said. Max kneaded his paws against her shoulder and purred louder, as if he could damp down her rising panic with just the power of felinity. She looked down at him. "It's stalkerish to track him, isn't it. Maybe he just wants some space. This doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong." She'd never seen Max look skeptical in cat shape before, but it was unmistakable now. "...something is wrong. Something is really wrong." Her intuition was usually good. It was screaming at her now. Max headbutted her and jumped off the couch. "Where are you going?" A minute later he meowed from the bedroom and she followed to find him dragging one of Jonah's t-shirts out from under the bed. " _Good_ kitty," she said, picking up the shirt with one hand and petting Max with the other hand. 

She'd used her find-me spell dozens of times to find objects, but only once before on a person. It helped to have something of his. Intent could get her pretty far, but a couple strands of his hair could take her precision from a neighborhood to a couple of blocks. Max paced restlessly around her circle while she cast the spell, tail lashing anxiously, and when all her candles snuffed out simultaneously he stepped onto her lap and looked up at her, golden eyes wide. She closed her eyes and dropped her head against his.

"He's scared," she said softly, and Max meowed. "He's scared and it's dark and we need to find him, Max, something bad is going to happen if we don't find him fast." Max touched his nose to hers and went back to Jonah's shirt, sniffing it thoroughly. "Are you going to help me track him? Can cats do that?" He stuck his head through the neck hole of the shirt and pawed at it until he was free. Then he looked up at her expectantly and meowed.

"He's somewhere near the park just off campus," she said, pulling Max's collar out of the desk and clipping it around his neck. It was stitched with sigils for protection and homecoming. She pulled a wand out of the same drawer and slid it up her sleeve. "You want the leash?" He hissed, and she smiled grimly and picked him up. "You don't need it. We'll find him."

The park that bordered the Gizmonics campus was more or less safe during the day and sketchy as fuck after dark. The other side of the park found streets of cheap housing that were mostly but not exclusively occupied by broke college students. Jonah lived in a nicer neighborhood, but often walked through the shady places on his way to and from the lab. Kinga parked at the edge of the park and walked the street bordering it from the poorly maintained frat houses and apartments, letting Max lead the way.

The cat walked most of the way down the street before freezing, tail gone puffy and high. Kinga was only a step behind. "Is it him?" Max took a step back and let her see the blood stain on the sidewalk. Her hand flew to her mouth. " _Is it him_?" Max put his nose to the ground again to take the new scent: yes, Jonah, and the tang of fear and the bright scent of blood. Now he had a clearer path, drops of blood dried on concrete, pavement, grass, on the swaybacked porch of a house with cardboard taped over the windows. Kinga paused in front of the porch and whispered a few words, a basic reconnaissance spell like an echolocation ping through the house. Two people in the back of the first floor, one upstairs... And one in the cellar. _He's scared and it's dark._

She expected to have to break the lock, but the door opened when she tested the knob. Max slipped in before her, near silent and practically invisible in the unlit room. She let him lead her to a door down a hall, at the end of which was the room two people occupied. Prudence said to deal with them first. Love told prudence to fly a kite and sent Kinga down the stairs into a pitch black cellar.

"Who's there?" Jonah sounded terrified. There was a meow, quickly followed by a gasp. Kinga fumbled with her keychain light for a second and settled the beam on Jonah with his face pressed into Max's fur, the cat's paws on his shoulder and a furry cheek rubbing a scruffy one. "Kinga... This is a bad place."

"That's why we came to get you out of it," she said, walking around him. His hands had been zip tied behind the chair and his ankles to the legs of the chair. When he looked up there was a livid bruise ringing his left eye and a gash along his cheekbone that made her gasp to see, blood dried in a mess down his cheek and in his scruff. "Who are they?" she asked, cutting his hands free with her pocket knife.

"I think they want me to make drugs for them, they were saying something about crystal... There was a meth lab explosion last week but why would I know how to make meth?" He rubbed his wrists, hands trembling, while she sliced the ties around his ankles. She looked up at him and sighed.

"Why would you wear your jumpsuit off campus? You look like a Gizmocrat, they probably think you're a scientific genius."

"I was still on campus," he said. "I went to get something from my car and some bastard clocked me in the face. I have a glass jaw," he added ruefully. "But I can fight if I know what's coming."

"Best be prepared to, then," she said. He wrapped his arms around Max and breathed in his fur until he stopped shaking. "Max, you run. We'll be right behind you." Max glared at her and lashed his tail. "What, you want to fight too?"

"We can set a trap for them," Jonah said. "Lure them with meowing and we'll be ready for them?"

"There's two upstairs and one more above them," Kinga said. "Are they armed?"

"I have no idea. I was down here when I came to and I've only seen one all day, but he wasn't armed." He put Max down and stood up, swaying for a second before he stabilized. "Are _you_ armed?"

"Of course I am," she said, sliding her wand out of her sleeve. "And you should probably stand behind me. Definitely don't want to catch you with this." He looked at her for a second and then stepped forward to hug her. 

"Thank you. I didn't expect a rescue."

"As if I could leave you in danger."

"I didn't think you'd know."

"Perks of dating a witch," she said, touching his uninjured cheek gently. "I knew something was wrong when I didn't hear from you all day. Then when I tried to find you... I could feel how scared you were. No chance I wouldn't come for you." Jonah bit his lip for a second and then leaned down to kiss her.

"You're amazing," he murmured against her lips. "And I love you."

"I love you too," she said, and they both looked down at the sound of a suspiciously whiny meow. "Yes, I love you too," she said, amused at Max winding his way around both their ankles. "Okay. So. Here's the plan."

"Do I get a say in this?"

"Nope, sorry. This plan involves me getting violent and the two of you playing bait."

"Uh..."

"Just sit back in the chair and look like nothing happened," she said, nudging him back in that direction. "When they come down, keep them distracted. I'll get them before they're even off the stairs."

"Get them how, exactly?" Her smile sharpened, and Jonah swallowed a little nervously.

"Get them the same way I've gotten everyone I've gotten before now." The sound of Max purring made Jonah realize what she meant, and he wasn't about to argue with her methods.

"You're sure this will work?" Thoughtfully, she touched her tongue to the side of her wand, then nodded.

"Yeah, I remembered to charge it. Good to go."

"Okay then. Do your thing, witchy woman."

"Max... go get their attention and lead them down here." The cat twitched his tail and bounded up the stairs, and Kinga offered Jonah one more sharp-edged smile before she turned off her flashlight. They heard a strident meow from the top of the stairs and a muffled "what the fuck?" Max meowed again and they heard footsteps approaching the door. He bolted down the stairs.

"The fuck is going on down there?" a rough voice called down.

"Uh, is this your cat?" Jonah was good at making himself sound distressed. "It's using my leg as a scratching post, can you come get it?"

"Not _my_ cat." Heavy footsteps clomped down the stairs. As soon as she had a clear view of the person's legs, Kinga snapped the wand at them and a rush of silver light flowed out of the tip and surrounded the person and... All Jonah could think was that it _compressed_ them, until what had been a fairly large person became a very fat frog. It croaked unpleasantly twice before Max pounced on it and it didn't croak any more. Jonah was very glad that Kinga couldn't see the look on his face in the darkness. He was sure that it was horrified. Yeah, these people had kidnapped him, but... summary execution was a bit bloodthirsty for Jonah's gentle nature. He supposed it was a good thing that she was more ruthless than he was in this case.

"That was..." He didn't know what to say. Kinga... well, he guessed the word had to be cackled. A stereotypical witch cackle. "Cliched," he said when she stopped, and she let out a bark of genuine laughter. 

"Cliched, please. Like you've ever seen that before in your life."

"I meant your reaction."

"Oh shut up, when do I get the chance to do that? I have to take it when it arrives." Max let out another yowl. 

"Oh for fuck's sake-- Jay? What's down there?" The second person came down the steps more slowly. "What's going on?"

"I think the cat tripped him, you better help," Jonah said, and the feet stopped halfway down. 

"Jay? Why isn't he answering me?"

"He hit the ground pretty hard..." The person flipped on a light and Jonah blinked. 

"What the-- where is he-- what did you do?" Kinga rolled her eyes, stepped away from the wall and shot this one with her wand to much the same effect as the first time. Max stalked forward, and Jonah hastily reached to catch the cat before he could reach the frog. Max struggled and yowled unhappily, and Jonah held him tighter, heedless of the claws in his shoulder.

"You can't just kill everyone involved in this," he said desperately, and Kinga arched a brow at him.

"He can't?"

"You can't-- _we_ can't. They didn't even hurt me that bad."

"Jonah. Honey. They fucking knocked you unconscious. You can't see your own face." He winced, and she sighed and softened slightly. "What do you want us to do, then?"

"I don't know... let the frog go outside?"

"Isn't that just prolonging the terror for him? Big old frog, doesn't know how to hide or anything... something's going to eat him soon."

"Yeah, but it doesn't have to be Max." Kinga shrugged and picked up the frog, rolling her eyes as it let out a croak. "Thank you."

"Whatever makes you happy," she said, and closed her eyes to do the recon spell again. When she opened them again she was smiling. "Last person's all the way upstairs still. Let's go. Quietly." She lead the way, almost as silent as a cat on her way up the stairs. Jonah didn't put Max down, just carried him out, glad when he stopped struggling and started purring in Jonah's ear. They snuck out of the house and crossed the street into the park, letting the trees veil them as they walked up to where Kinga had parked. She dropped the frog by a tree as they went.

"My car's still at Gizmonics," Jonah said, and she pursed her lips at him.

"I'll drive you to work tomorrow. You're coming home with me tonight. Someone's got to tend to you, after all."

"Isn't that what the ER is for?" She made an offended sound.

"What do you need the ER for when you have a certified witch to take care of you?"

"Certified?" Jonah bit his lip against a laugh. "From where, Hogwarts?"

"Gizmonics is legitimately the mad science version of Hogwarts, nerd," she said. "And no. That's not how it works."

"You'll have to tell me about it some time."

"Maybe I'll tell you about it while I fix your poor bashed up face." On the drive back to her apartment, Max started licking Jonah's cheek, rough tongue loosening the blood dried into his scruff, and Jonah sighed and let the cat do what he would. It was kind of reassuring, actually. He didn't think too hard about a witch's cat tasting his blood. After all, it was his witch and his witch's cat. He could trust them both.

"What happened to your glasses?" she asked as they climbed the stairs to her place. Jonah shrugged. 

"For all I know, they're lying next to my car. Probably shattered. I have a backup pair at home..."

"We can swing by in the morning," she said. "I'm not inclined to let you out of my sight tonight. I hope you understand."

"Kinga, you just rescued me from god knows what intent those people had for me... you're allowed to keep me close if you want to." As soon as she unlocked the door, Max leaped from Jonah's arms and stalked around the apartment checking whatever it was cats thought were important to check upon homecoming. Then he headed into the kitchen and meowed very loudly.

"Yes, yes, dinnertime for the fluffy highness," she said, laughing a little. Jonah caught her in his arms and leaned down to kiss her.

"If it could also be dinnertime for the scruffy boyfriend that would be great," he said. "I haven't eaten anything since lunch yesterday."

"Grilled cheese?"

"You're a goddess."

"Just a witch," she said, and touched his clean cheek. "If you want to clean up the blood, I can do something about that gash after dinner. Maybe about the black eye too."

"How bad is it?" 

"Worse than it will be after I help," she said, and kissed him back. "Go on, get clean. I washed the pajamas you left here last week, they're on the bureau in the bedroom. I'll have food ready when you're done."

"I don't know what I did to deserve you," he said, and she grinned. 

"Unspecified atrocities in a past life, undoubtedly. Now you're a do-gooder to make amends for your last life's sins."

"Oh no, you are definitely a reward for doing something right." She gave him a gentle push and watched him walk away, shaking her head slightly with a huge smile on her face. Then she went to feed the cat, who meowed loudly and wound around her legs while she was opening the can.

"So impatient," she said, and gave him half the can instead of a third of it. "You did a good job tonight, Max. Very good kitty." He purred and headbutted her leg as she bent to put his dish on the floor, then attacked it like he was starving. "You deserve a thorough brushing and many, many pets." 

She kept an ear out for the sound of the shower turning off and made good on her promise to have dinner made by the time Jonah emerged from the bathroom, damp hair clinging to his forehead and face cleaned up. The bruise around his eye was super obvious without his glasses, and he'd taped up the cut on his cheek with a butterfly bandage. He still looked a little shaken but relaxed when Max occupied his lap under the kitchen table and started purring away like he had something to prove.

"Feel better?" Kinga asked as he used the last bite of sandwich to mop up the last of the soup in his bowl. He nodded.

"So much better."

"Well, let me see what I can do about your face, okay? I don't think I can totally fix it but I can speed the healing along." He followed her to the living room and found himself with a lap full of cat as soon as he sat down.

"Man, you're really affectionate tonight," he said to Max, scratching the soft curly fur right behind Max's ears. Max just purred louder, kneading his paws against Jonah's leg without even a hint of claws. "How'd you find me, anyways?"

"Tracking spell and sniffer cat," she said cheerfully, rummaging through her desk and pulling out a hand-sized cloth bag. "I knew you were somewhere near the park, then Max caught your blood trail right to the house you were in."

"I didn't know cats could do that."

"Max was very motivated to find you," she said. "After all, you are his second favorite person."

"I'm honored." Jonah blinked when Kinga spilled the contents of the bag onto the coffee table: a few feathers, a finger-sized spear of amethyst, a couple of small vials full of amber liquid, and small baggies of herbs. "Are you going to do a spell on me?"

"Are you nervous?" She sounded amused. He shook his head. "Don't worry. I use this one on myself pretty often. Any time I sprain my ankle, really."

"I trust you," he said, and she smiled at him and turned to her work. There was a small incense burner always on the coffee table, and she put a few pinches of herbs and a drop of oil into it and set it on fire. She waved the smoke at him using the feathers and he sneezed. "Uh, sorry."

"No, that's normal," she said, and picked up the amethyst. "Close your eyes and take deep breaths, okay?" He did as he was told and she held the stone close to his face. "This might itch," she added as his eyes screwed up. "That's normal too. Just relax, this will take a few minutes." He was fine with that. The couch was comfy, Max's purring was soothing, and he was absolutely exhausted. The itching kept him from falling asleep sitting up, though. He opened his eyes when she touched his injured cheek gently, and she smiled at him. "All right. Not totally healed, but it looks about a week old now, not a day old."

"It doesn't hurt any more," he said, and leaned in to kiss her. "Thank you. You're amazing."

"Yeah, I am," she said, no hint of modesty anywhere. "But so are you. I wanted to keep you before, now that I've had to rescue you I'm even more sure of it."

"I'm okay with that," he said, and she cuddled up to his side and pet the cat on his lap. "As far as I'm concerned, I'm perfectly happy to be kept by you."

"Good." It had been a long, stressful day. It was still early in the evening, and all three of them were content to just quietly cuddle on the couch for a while, letting the stress melt away from the warmth of contact and the soothing sound of Max's constant purring.


End file.
